To see how an awkward teenager turns into an attractive girl – what could be more pleasant for her mother. Or more dangerous? Where do anxious feelings come from and how to deal with them?
Awakening of sexuality takes more than one year, and for the girl this period is not easy: the first menstruation, first love, experiences and disappointment. But no less than emotions and her mother.
The joy that the daughter is becoming attractive, the anxiety so that she does not make mistakes, the fear of losing its proximity in relations with her child … In addition, the flourishing youth reminds her of her own age.
It is great if during this period the mother and daughter “perceive their relationship as a happy cooperation, in which both of them are a source of joy for each other,” writes psychoanalysts Caroline Elyacheff and Natalie Ainish, the authors of the book “Daughter-Mother. 3rd excess?". This implies mutual trust in the most intimate issues, advice and mutual support in both serious and trifling things.
Alas, in reality, the picture is not always so rosy. In the relationship of mother and daughter, superiority or subordination, jealousy or injustice, inferiority or simply complete lack of contact. And this is fraught with serious problems for both daughter and mother. And especially in what we mean by personal life.
The law of the department
“Sensuality, charm, attractiveness – it is the mother who serves as a prototype of qualities that will help the young girl find love in life,” recalls Jungian analyst Anna Kazakova.
In search of female identity, each girl passes the period when she identifies herself with her mother. Then it follows the no less important stage of differentiation: she needs not to build herself in the image and likeness of her mother, but to create her own image.
Only by moving away, you can find the differences: what kind of woman I am as a woman?
“All mothers are, without exception, worry: growing up, the daughter is more and more moved away, and in the end both should abandon the relations that they were connected,” explain Caroline Eliacheff and Natalie Einish. It’s easier to cope with women who were able to realize their sexuality, know and appreciate themselves and know how to enjoy life.
If the distance has not been established, the mother seems to “appropriate” her daughter’s life, wants to live for her and prevents her from making decisions
It is especially difficult for those for whom the daughter is the only joy, "light in the window". For example, a lonely woman or the one whose relationship with her husband has lost sensuality. One who first of all feels like a mother, and not a woman, because it was not possible to build a relationship with a partner. Release the daughter often above her strength.
“If the distance was not established between them, the mother as if“ appropriating ”her daughter’s life, wants to live for her and prevents her from making decisions,” Anna Kazakova explains. – They form a pair that excludes the presence of the third. If the daughter has a partner, the mother does everything to expel him in any way. In fact, the daughter receives a ban on the manifestation of her own feelings and on sexuality. ".
Elyacheff and Einish see the two most likely scenes. Either the daughter will look for a man … mother-and choose those with whom he will reproduce the relationship of the merger, mutual dependence, or, conversely, in the search for “Anti-Mother” will apply for a connection with inaccessible men: married, travelers living on the other side of the world, with random or strictly defending their independence lovers.
Many mothers with all their might try to arrange their daughter's personal life. Some are actively engaged in matchmaking, choosing “right” grooms, others not only do not prohibit sexual relations, but even try to organize them, ask all the details, actively give advice to keep everything under control.
Turned inside out, this is the same situation of the merger when the mother perceives her daughter as part of herself, and not as a separate, other person.
“I raised my daughter alone, my husband left when she was not three months old,” 45-year-old Veronica shares. – Now Masha is thirteen, she has boys, and I intend to do everything possible so that she does not repeat my mistake, does not choose her husband as her father ”.
The daughters react differently to active maternal intervention: they obediently obey, but more often rebel, conflict.
“But even if the girl from whom the mother requires Puritan behavior, in protest, constantly changes partners, this does not speak of the development of her sensuality,” Anna Kazakova emphasizes. – She acts contrary to, and does not do what she wants. So, the dependence remains, only in a paradoxical form ".
What we say, perhaps, is contrary to the idea of great maternal love. As soon as the image of a mother who dedicated life to children!
But what such a self -sacrifice turns around for her daughter? How can she know what love for a man is if her mother did not show her this by the example of her relationship with her father or other partner? – ask a reasonable question Caroline Elyacheff and Natalie Einish. It is great when a woman becomes a mother, but the trouble, when a mother’s hypostasis in her suppresses her lover.
Two rivals?
But we will not forget about another female hypostasis – wife, companion of his husband. She is only one of many, but if it turns out to be stronger than other roles, a husband or partner becomes the center of the existence of a woman. And the surrounding women are perceived as a potential threat. Jealousy can cause even a good daughter, to whom the father gives his tenderness daily.
Mother and daughter may not be aware that they became rivals, but the struggle between them is taking place seriously.
“Mikhail my third husband,” says 43-year-old Alla. – When we got married, Asa was two years old, and he became her real father. Now she is already becoming a bright girl, but in the morning, as before, she can walk around the apartment in a night shirt, not embarrassed by her husband's presence. And he clearly admires her. I do not admit that he has some unacceptable thoughts, he is not the same person! But still I feel uneasy. "
“Relations are changing,” comments Anna Kazakova. – The daughter is alienated, symbolically goes into the discharge of the stepdaughter. Or, conversely, feels her omnipotence: she defeated her mother!
There is a chance that even then she will choose a “not her” man – a partner older than herself, as if “marrying my father”. Be that as it may, she will not have a mother, who can be leaning on, who understands, accepts and warms ".
But the absence of a partner in the mother’s life does not guarantee that she will not enter into rivalry with her daughter. Mother can inspire that the daughter is unattractive and depreciate the awakening femininity so that she does not become the winner of the undeclared competition.
This plot in a symbolic form is in a fairy tale about Snow White, reminds Anna Kazakova. A beautiful daughter is growing up, and the queen, worrying that she will take her place on the throne, tries to get rid of her. “Here the narcissistic problems of the mother manifest themselves here, which she does not realize, but who pursue her,” the analyst comments. – No one has the right to be better!"
Sometimes envy does not even arise to her daughter, but to her youth. Plastic surgery, clock in the gym and desperately short skirts – all this is designed to prove: I am good, I attract men.
For the desire to stop the time, personality immature may be hidden, Anna Kazakova suggests. “Most women have their own special, unique sexuality. They know what pleasure is, and know how to manage it. When this experience is not passed, not learned, the woman begins to play a girl. Such mothers perceive their age very difficult. ".
Search for answers
Not always the merger or rivalry of mother and daughter is expressed brightly. Sometimes it is only scheduled to be dotted, but in any case it is painful. There is only one way out – ask your right questions and look for answers to them. Learn to show patience and flexibility, discover new female wisdom.
“It’s never too late to establish a relationship,” Anna Kazakova is sure. – https://fresho.co.in/refund_returns/ And then the girl will begin to live her life, and her mother – her. And it can even discover a passionate woman in herself, whom she did not suspect before. By the way, this often happens when the children have already grown up ".
Talk about sex with your child
“Sexuality of those values that are transmitted about generational chains,” says gynecologist and psychologist Daniel Flomenbaum. And it regrets that too often girls do not hear anything from their mother but a sacramental promise: “You will grow up, and you will have a baby in your stomach too. "
It is necessary to talk about sexuality with children honestly, clear, but carefully and chastely. It is important for her daughter to convey the idea that she not only serves to continue the genus, but brings joy, pleasure, makes our life more integral and mature. As for the parents themselves, it is enough for the child to understand: they, like all adults, have an intimate relationship. And no details!
If the child explains Daniel Flamenbaum, thinking about sex, as the actors imagines his father and mother, an incorruptive ban is turned on, which stops the development of his sexuality. Therefore, no examples from personal experience, no intimate confessions.
The daughter should not be a person or a psychologist for her mother. If the female fate of the mother did not work out, it is difficult for the girl to dream of how she will become a woman. Lies or silence are unacceptable here.
“If the mother has problems, the daughter still unconsciously knows about them – children always know everything,” the psychologist emphasizes. – For example, if a daughter complains that she does not have a relationship with the boys, the mother can answer: “I also had difficulties, because I was brought up too strictly and I felt very constrained. But I hope that everything will work out differently ". So she allows her daughter to survive the joy in the future, which was not enough for her herself ".
